I really don't know why I am about to tell this personal of an experience in a public forum, but I've been telling myself that this IS my diary whether it is private or public, and the point of a diary is to say what you feel. Censoring only hinders the entire reason to even have one. So here goes...
On November 25, yesterday, I lost my virginity.
It took 20 years (which I am somewhat ashamed, but also proud to admit) but it finally happened.
To protect the identity (yes, this is a diary where I want to be more candid and open, but i don't want to publish someone else's life for the world to see) I will refer to this person as Frank.
I have had a crush on Frank for over a year now. He knew it also and we always casually would flirt from time to time with no intent of anything ever happening. In fact, Frank has been in a strong relationship for almost 9(?) months now.
Frank came to stay with me for a few days cuz his boyfriend and him were fighting cuz his boyfriend saw him kissing someone else, which wasn't Frank's fault, but he has been known to kiss other people and party a lot. But that's beside the point.
He called me on Thanksgiving and asked if he could stay at my place for the weekend cuz they were taking a break. I didn't want him to be alone on Thanksgiving, and he is my friend, so I agreed.
The next night we went to a few bars and got shit face drunk. We ended up back at my apartment in the wee hours of the morning. We went to bed instantly. I asked him if I could give him a kiss goodnight, and he said that it was fine. So I did, and instantly it snowballed from there.
Next thing I know he asked if I had any lube and a condom. I did. He asked if I was sure I was ready for this. I said I was, but was somewhat hesitant, but was sure that I was. I went and got the condom and lube, and we (for lack of a better term) went at it.
We finished, and the I was relieved that A)it wasn't painful, and B)it didn't appear to be the same horrible experience everyone else's first time was. Then I heard Frank say, "I probably won't even remember this in the morning."
Thus starts the downward plummet from my euphoric high.
He falls asleep almost immediately. I go into Kat's room in hysterics. And I am freaking out. I am already second guessing everything that just happened. I didn't even have to tell her what had happened, cuz (even worse) she had heard it going on.
Fabulous night, yes?
So, the next day, there is a voice mail from Frank on my phone inviting me to go to a club with him and some friends after I got out of work. In the message he mentions how he doesn't remember one event from the previous night. Now, this can be one of two things. He honestly doesn't remember, or he does remember but doesn't want to deal with it cuz of his boyfriend or some other perfectly understandable reason. So now I feel like shit. Not to sound completely corny, but I had just given him that "sacred gift you can only give to one person and never get back" and he doesn't even remember it. Gee, don't I feel fucking amazing.
So, I haven't seen him yet since it happened, though I expect I will before I go to bed tonight. Not sure what is going to happen or how it will be. Do I tell him what happened? If so, how? I've been asking everyone I know what I should do, and most seem to think I should tell him. So, I guess I will maybe tell him. I just don't know.
I'd like to get it talked about and everything over and done with between us, cuz he is in my class and I see him everyday. Not only that, but I am in a scene with him where we are tied up to each other in our underwear, and so we need to come to terms with things otherwise the scene is fucked and neither of us will ever feel comfortable with the other person. It could be the downfall of our friendship. I also need this to get resolved so that I can feel as if my first time wasn't the worst mistake of my life.
Ok, enough of the personal shit. I can't take the anguish of having to analyze it anymore right now. Hopefully, in the next update, I can report that all is well. Hopefully.
I'm just glad I am still able to sit.
(sorry, had to end with a joke)