Well, Allison is out of the apartment. She just up and decided not to move in. No explanation. Nothing. Thus leaving Mindy and I screwed. Both of us have to split the rent between only us now, and neither of us can afford it. We will hopefully be able to find someone before August rolls around and get a third person in there and get our rent back to normal. Allison has really acted immaturely I must say and what she has done is incredibly low. I have lost all respect for her. But should I be shocked that she fizzled out of this? No. Afterall, she quit AMDA halfway through. I should've realized she can't stick with things.

I spent yesterday at the lake with my family (mom, jan and mikala) and some of mom's relatives. Grandpa was there. It was a Father's Day kinda thing. We had a picnic-ish meal. It was nice. I got to thinking while I was there too. Grandpa is getting rather old and frail of mind. This could've been the last time I would've been able to see him. And did I take any opportunity to talk to him while I was there? Did I make any attempts? Of course not. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am a coward. My old voice teacher's husband died about a week ago. There was a visitation service a few days ago. I didn't go. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to have to look at her and know that she has had a tremendous loss in her life. I can't deal with that. Then the other day I was out driving around and I ran into her daughter (who is on the move to nyc and will be on bway within a few years. i am certain of it. she's 10 years older than me. phenom performer). And I had to face her. I felt so awkward and scared. I wanted nothing more than to be able to disappear. She told me it would mean a lot to her mom if I stopped by to visit. I said I would. Tomorrow is my last chance to. I honestly was going to today, but never got to it. Funny how you never get the chance to do the things you really don't want to do. But tomorrow I think I will have to visit. At least for a little while.

Got some new shoes today. Yippee. Got a wicked chair for the apartment. Got an air mattress so I have something aside from the floor to sleep on.

Allison is telling everyone at work that she never signed the lease. Well well well. Won't they all be surprise when I bring in a copy of the lease with her signature on it! Won't that be a thorn in her ass!

Ok, enough Allison bashing for now.

Tomorrow is going to be very sad. I have to start packing to go back to NYC. In a way, I am glad to go back, but leaving home is so hard. It's so nice having someone take care of you, make your meals, and clean your clothes. Being able to sleep til the afternoon and stay up all night, not having any resposibilities, being with your family whom you never get to see anymore. Why would I want to leave this? Sure, there is nothing to do, but I survived for 19 years. I can manage again, right? But I know I have to leave.

So, the scene will be:

Mom and I will be sitting in the airport, they will announce boarding for my flight, and we'll each reluctantly stand up. We'll hug each other, and while hugging we'll say the normal goodbye things, all the while having lumps in our throats. "I'll miss you. I'm glad you got to come home to visit. I really enjoyed seeing you. I'm so very proud of you. Call me when you get there. I love you." All the while I have to be strong and not show emotion while Mom tries, but still starts to cry. Then I'll turn and walk through the door and leave her behind, standing there. All the while I want to turn around just so I can have that one last look, but knowing if I do, then I'll see her standing there in tears and I won't be able to hold mine back. But feeling that if I don't turn around to look, that she'll think I don't love her and don't care that I am leaving. So, I just walk on through the door, without looking, not knowing when I am going to see her again.

I just had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to compose myself. Just writing that brought up all of those feelings and made me start to cry. I had to go get a tissue and regain myself. But I'm back now.

Nothing really left to say that I can think of. If I don't update tomorrow, then I will see you in NY. From my new apartment!