This is a difficult entry for me to write. Please understand that.
Today is Father's Day. Throughout my entire life, I have never felt as if I had a father. He has not taken an active, or even inactive, role in my life, and therefore I give him no credit as doing such. To me, he is basically a penis who shot some sperm out in order to create me. Yes, I am greatful he helped in giving me life. But that is about all I can thank him for.
But Father's Day has a different meaning for me. It was on Father's Day in 1998 that I told my mother that I am gay.
Yes, I am gay. I feel that I have lived in the way that I have for long enough. I am tired of worrying about what everyone will think. I am tired of not being able to tell people stories about my life. And I am tired of always having to be careful not to use pronouns in these diary entries! Go back and check. Every entry about a sexually related event or a romantically related event never used a pronoun that defined gender. I spent the first 18+ years of my life forced (by myself mainly i guess) to edit my life. I was never allowed to be the real me. But I have finally decided that I do not want to live like that anymore, and I can't live like that anymore.
This is mainly for the benefit of those I know from my life back home in Iowa. Since moving, I have been free of any small town morals and have been able to be myself. People openly accepted me and love me, gay or not. It was amazing to be in a situation where I was free to be myself. I didn't have to worry about what I said. Never had to think twice before every sentence I said to make sure it didn't give anything away. It was as if a cage had been opened and I was finally free to run.
I'm not even sure if any of you actually read this diary, but in a way, it feels good just to write this out. I do ask that you don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is. It's not a big deal, really. I would appreciate you respect that. I don't think calling all your friends and reading this to them is appropriate. Nor do I think immediately telling everyone you know is appropriate. Though I am sure some of you have already done that. What can I expect. I come from a town where everyone knows your business before you do. Just please, respect me and my wishes. That's all I ask.
Also, if you understand where I am coming from, and support me still, I'd like to know that I can still include you in my list of friends. So, email me to let me know that you still include me as a friend. It would actually mean a lot to me.
And for those of you (and i know there are some of you who will fit into this) who "mysteriously" lose touch with me starting from when you read this or find this information out about me, then all I can say is thank you for being in my life while you were. I appreciate your friendship and will miss it. I'm sorry things can't be different. But remember, it isn't me who cut the friendship bond between us.
For 18 years I lived what can be considered a personal hell. Constant name calling as I walked down the halls of my high school. Rumors at every riverbend. Even vandalism to my car. All because everyone thought they knew this about me and considered me the devil for it. Well, now I guess you have validation that it's true. But am I the devil? Am I evil? I don't think so. And has anything changed? Maybe. Maybe not. I would like the thank the few people from back home whom I was able to tell. Knowing that you loved and supported me was enough to get me through the torture I went through. And just knowing that someone else knew was somewhat of a relief. I feel truely happy that I can be myself now. I'm no longer a prisoner.
Father's Day is Independence Day for me.....only without the fireworks :)