I actually wrote this already, but the computer froze just as I tried to save it, which helps to make me feel so much better.
I can't handle this. I can't handle my life right now.
As I've stated in every entry this month, I am so busy that I don't have time to anything that needs to get done. I always have things looming just ahead causing me so much stress and other things that are important that get put on hold and never get done.
Money is also a problem. I have some...but I literally feel ill when I have to spend any.
I am so lonely. I am realizing that I am so alone. I am going to be turning 20 soon and celebrating my birthday without the people I love more than anything in the world, my family. I need them.
I feel as if my world is spinning out of control.
I had a breakdown last night. I couldn't deal anymore.
I ended up losing all control and sitting in the corner in my room in a huddled mass and just rocking back and forth and crying for a long time. I couldn't handle it anymore. There's only so much a person can take. I snapped. I am scared. I am really scared.
A big thing right now is that half of my stuff is still at the room I had in AMDA housing. The kids currently living there are pissed that my stuff is still there and have threatened to throw it out. I need to get my stuff moved, but I don't have the time, money, or help from anyone to get it done. I don't know what I am going to do. I can't do it alone. I can't spend a fortune on a moving service to do it for me either. I don't know what to do. If only someone would help me, I could finally get it done and move on. One thing down, a million more to go.
I can't deal with it.
School is bad too. So much work. I don't have time to do this.
I have incredible guilt with Mom. I know that when I go through hard times, that she feels it just as bad, if not worse. And she feels so helpless being far away. She gave her life up when I was born. Every penny she made went to me. Everything she did was for me. I've grown up now and it is time for her to go back to living for her. She should be able to spend money on herself, and do things for herself. But instead, I am unable to take care of myself and she has to go through all of this shit. And I feel so bad whenever I have to ask for help with money or anything. I feel like a leach that can't live on it's own. Like a parasite that keeps taking and taking and taking. This woman gave up everything for me, and I can never repay her for that. I feel so bad that I still take and take. This should be her time.
I have the phone number of people who can help me. Professionals. Trained people who can fix this problem. I don't know if I will call though. It's hard to admit you need help. Even after you've done that, it's hard to actually go and get the help. I don't know if I can do it. It's just so scary.
All I know is I can't continue to live like this. I am tired of pretending to be happy. Feeling as if I can't let anyone see how I really feel, because they are too busy expecting me to play therapist for them. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of being scared. I am tired of crying. It's become a nightly ritual now. Even as I type this, I cry.
I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to be happy.