Day: Wednesday
Time: 10:11 PM EST
Music: The Wild Party
IM/ICQ: none
Internet: glad this computer can now get online again
Quote: "Did you get fucked?!." -Aimee(i can't believe that came out of HER mouth)
Fun Link: none

So...I was almost not single...but here I am, single. Jeremy and I had a total of three dates. The most amazing dates I could ever imagine. I think he may have found my site and read about my dream date, cuz it came true. I think we are the same person inside. Our first date was him coming over and just chilling. He left and I wasn't sure what he was thinking. Did he like me? Didn't he? I had no clue. Then we went out to eat at a diner we each liked. The dinner went well, and as we said goodbye, he kinda touched my arm. That was my first clue that he did have some interest in me. Two nights later I went over to his place to watch Survivor, my obsession. So, after work, I went over and we watched it. We sat on his futon in his TINY apartment. We started out with a lot of space between us, but as the night went on, that space disappeared. And I have no idea how. Neither of us really moved. It was as if some force was pulling us toward each other without us knowing. That sounded so damn stupid. But after the show, a movie, and another show, we finally had our first real physical contact. Our hands brushed, and then found each others' grasp. It was a magical moment. From there, we ended up cuddling on his futon and just channel surfing and making fun of the infomercials that are on TV at 5 in the morning. We finally decided it was time to go to bed, and that I would spend the night. But not before we finally (FINALLY) had our first kiss. I am so glad it took so long for that kiss to come. It was worth every second of the wait. We went to bed and just cuddled and kissed all night. It was amazing. I have never felt so comfortable and free around someone else in my life. Usually when things start to get physical, I start to freak out and get nervous. But that night was something new for me. I was completely comfortable with him and completely comfortable getting intimate. I don't know if that means anything along the lines of "love" or not, but I know I want to pursue this thing further and see where it leads. The next morning, I left his place to meet up with a friend and that was the last I saw him. Due to his schedule, he was not able to see me anymore before leaving for Florida. I think we needed at least one more meeting to get some things settled out. Where we stand, for instance. I think he wanted to talk about this too, but since it never happened, I really don't know. He left Monday and I haven't heard from him yet. I won't see this individual for two months. By then, he may very well have met the man of his dreams in Florida. Or maybe he'll come back and want to pick back up with me. I have no idea what is going to happen. My hope is that he will come back and want to be with me. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see. If he doesn't, then I will be sad, of course, but I will also want him to be happy and wish the best for him. I just wish the best for him was me.

Brooke was in NYC for a few days and I was able to spend some time with her. It was nice having her out here. I got to show her what my life has been like since high school. Share my experiences here. We went to a museum and took a walk in the park, things I probably wouldn't have done had she not come. I got a chance to be a tourist and see NYC through her eyes in a way. It was nice.

So, I've been dealing with the scary audition process. Waking up at scary hours, traveling all over the island, and signing up just so I can be sure to be seen...and possibly typed out. I've now been on 5 auditions, and I can say with almost 100% certainty that I hate it. I can't stand auditioning. Perhaps this is a bad sign? Probably. But I had an audition Monday and was asked to come back the next day to dance. I had finally gotten a callback so I was thrilled. But now I had to dance for these people and was terrified. But I sucked it up and went and was amazed at how some people in this business are HORRIBLE at dancing. I felt like an amazing dancer compared to some of them. And after I was done, they put my headshot into a folder on their desk. Not sure if that is good or bad, but I hope it's good. I have to wait a week to find out. I hate waiting...and auditioning.

Nothing else big in my life has really happened. I wish it had so I could write about it, but I really can't think of anything.

I find that I am sad a lot. Not really sad...but just kinda blah. I don't know why really. Maybe it's the fact that I can't stand the people (except for a select few) at work anymore. Maybe it's the fact that I was so close to finally being in a healthy relationship and had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Maybe I'm not happy with my lifestyle and how I am filling my days now that I am out of school. Maybe it's something Aimee was telling me about. She said she had heard about how people go through 7-year cycles. Every seven years, their body chemistry kinda changes and they go through a change emotionally and such. Or something like that. I am about 6 months away from turning 21, so I could be starting my cycle. Maybe I should look into reading up on this subject. Even if it isn't true or isn't the situation with me, it sounds interesting none the less. I don't know what it is, but I'm just not "happy" very much.

I'm finding a lot of quotes and passages in this book I am reading that are really beautiful to me. I am finding myself touched by some of the lines I read. I wish I was as eloquent as the things I read. I wish I could touch people and make their souls gasp with appreciation. I want something that I say or write to affect someone so much that they go out and make a difference in their lives or in the lives of someone else. I hope that someday I am able to change someone for the better.

I hope I am not forgotten when I die.