Day: Thursday
Time: 1:26 PM EST
Music: Napster
IM/ICQ: none
Internet: glad this computer can now get online again
Quote: "I had a brocaide elephant on my back." -Jeremy(feeling like he was an obvious target in my neighborhood)
Fun Link: none

Oh lord. I really have gotten bad about the updating, haven't I? I really do apologize. Mainly to myself, cuz the ultimate reason for this diary is for me. Sure, others enjoy it and get some use out of it (although I'm not sure what), but ultimately, it's for me. You'd think I would updating more frequently now that I am out of school and have absolutely nothing to do. But, irony strikes again.

So, yeah. As I mentioned, I am no longer in school. I have finally graduated. It was a very weird feeling. I'm not really sure how to describe it. It was very similar to a lsat-day-of-camp feeling. I had always thought about going to AMDA and being a student at AMDA, but never once did I ever fathom that one day I would graduate and leave AMDA. It's scary to think that (unless something changes in the future) I have finished my education. I am no longer a student. That trek of knowledge I began in September of 1986 came to an end in February of 2001. I can still remember my first day of kindergarten...very vividly. That's a weird thing about me. I can remember odd and random information for years to come. My first library card number (received at approximately the age of 6) was 3928. My first locker combination (7th grade) was 15-29-1. But, veering away from that odd tagent I just went on, I can remember the first day of school I ever had, and I never once thought that ever in my life I would graduate from my final day of school. And yet, it's happened. And I wasn't prepared for it. There is so much I wish I had known. If only I had known it, I wouldn't have wasted so much time.

My showcase went well. Very well, I guess. I think so anyway. I got amazing feedback on my number. No calls from agents, but I still feel (and am told) that I did well. A lot of people dear to me came to see it and support me (Sara skipped the event cuz she was doing her laundry) including Mom. Mom flew out to see the show and see graduation and celebrate with me. She stayed in the apartment which was an adventure. Yikes. Had to hide all the porn. It was nice having her here, but it also turned our lives upside down for the week. Having an extra person in the apartment made getting showers and everything in morning a little confusing. She had a good time, and so did I.

Starting to audition now. Only been to one so far. Got typed out.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I may have a possible relationship brewing. We've been on two "dates" if you can call them that, and have two more planned already. I really like him. He's very charming and he makes me feel giggly. He's 25, but I never feel an age difference between us. Things are going very slowly (ie. no kiss yet) which sucks...but I think I am actually glad cuz if the kiss does come eventually, the buildup and the wait will make it even more amazing. I'm just afraid to get attached to him cuz he is leaving in a few weeks to do a show in Florida for two months. Knowing me, I will fall for him right before he has to leave and then I'll be crushed.

Jan got pregnant again. However, this one doesn't have a happy ending. Not sure the circumstances surrounding everything so I won't talk about it like I do. All I know is that she had the pregnancy terminated. I never thought abortion would affect me or my family. Isn't it funny how we always think things like that happen to "the other people." Well, who are those other people? Who says that I can't be them. Or you? Or anyone? But yet, we never think we'll be affected by things like that. I support Jan 100% in her decision. She's the only one on earth who knows what she was going through or why she did it. I trust that she made what she feels was the right decision. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn't terminated it. I would have another little niece or nephew to spoil and love and play with and watch grow. I'm not going to get to have my own children, so my nieces and nephews are all I've got. My brother's taken 3 of my nephews away from us. The other I rarely get to see and we never really became close. Mikala and I have an amazing relationship. Would Baby X have loved me? Would I have taken him to his first Broadway show? Would I have taken her to her first boyband concert? What would s/he have grown up to become and contribute to the world? I know that these questions will never get answered and will continue to stay with me for the rest of my life. And it hurts to not have any answers. But as much as it hurts me, I know that it hurts Jan a million times as much as I can ever imagine. The pain and loss and emptiness she must feel and will always carry with her must be monumental. I don't think I could handle it.

I'm tired, and depressed now, so I'm going to go get some sleep.