I am leaving home and going back to NY tomorrow. I had to say goodbye to Mikala and Jan tonight. I am horrible when it comes to saying goodbye, especially to my family. I can't stand it. It rips me to pieces. I know that in order to grow and in order to reach the stars I need to leave them and go back to NY, but I am selfish. I want them there with me all the time, even though half the time they drive me absolutely insane. I hate catch 22's. I hate that I can't have everything I want. But perhaps it's better that way. Half the time I don't even know what I want anyway.
So, yeah, I leave tomorrow. Assuming the weather is cooperative, that is. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, so who knows if I will even get off the ground. I may not get home for days if the weather is too horrible. The one thing I hate about traveling is when it takes even longer than it's supposed to.
I was able to spend some time with Brooke, an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen in about a year. It was nice. We caught up. She told me about her love life. I told her about my lack of a love life. It felt good and refreshing to finally be able to opening talk with her about things and even better to actually have stories to tell unlike in high school when I was the loser without any love life gossip to share. She did have some bit of info to say that was quite shocking. She informed me that during our senior year of high school I was in danger of my life. Apparently someone whom I had shared my secret with at that time had told the football team or someone on the football team or something like that. I guess I was in danger the whole year. I guess I can be fairly confident that the vandalism that occured to my car was a warning to be careful and not just a random act of stupidity. I wasn't quite sure how to take the news that people wanted me dead. In some ways I am actually very relieved that I wasn't aware that I was in any danger. If I had known, then I would have walked around scared to death the entire year, I wouldn't have been able to let myself have friends, I couldn't have taken part in as many extra-curicular activites, etc. I would've lived as a hermit with no friends and in constant fear. So, is it good that I didn't know? I can't decide. And frankly, it bothers me to think about it too much, so I won't.
I thought that this would probably be my last entry before the new year, so I thought I would take a moment to reflect on last year's resolutions to see how they turned out. I honestly don't even remember what they were, so....
To do more things I wouldn't normally do - Well, I was Mr. Obscure, wasn't I! Hmmm. Did I do new things? I tried sushi and became a fan...only if it's vegetable though. I guess that counts. I named a cow. I went to some bars and hung out at clubs on occassion. Not too often, but I did have fun. I went on some dates. I had sex. Does that work? Not sure if I can consider this resolution a success. Please someone remind me of something new I did that I normally wouldn't do so I can check this one off.
To stop seeing the same shows over and over til I see some new ones - Well, since Footloose closed, I think I accomplished this one :P
To start cooking meals - Ooops. I did a few. They were only Ramen Noodles or TV dinners though. It's something, isn't it?
To refrain from drinking, smoking and drugging - Ok, I failed. But I feel I have remained very safe and have not gotten out of control. Far from it. So I feel as even though I failed the resolution, I have succeeded in not letting myself become controled by anything but my own mind.
To find a good cause and get involved in helping with it and the community - The only thing I can think of is donating to BC/EFA and then doing the AIDS walk. It wasn't creating an orginazation and become a huge advocate of it, but it was something, and something is better than nothing.
So, I guess I did 50/50 with my resolutions from last year. Can't complain too bad. What are my resolutions this year? Good question. I haven't really thought about it, but I'll try to come up with some really quickly for the sake of tradition.
My leaving tomorrow has made me think about something. While I've been home, I've seen kids I graduated with and they are still here making nothing (or so it appears on the outward levels) of their lives. They seemed resigned and content to spend the rest of their lives right here. Now I know that everyone has their own desitinies and maybe this is where they need to be, but it makes me sad that they get stuck here cuz I know there is so much more out there for them to experience. Even sadder is that none of them even seem to care that they are missing out on the world. They don't realize what lies beyond their backyards. I don't know. It just kinda bothers me.
Well. Tomorrow I will leave my backyard yet again, not knowing when I will return or when I will see my family again. I hate saying goodbye. I really can't handle it. Dropping my sister off at summer camp for a week was huge trauma for me when I was younger. I've always been like this. I guess I always will be, right? It's who I am, and I like to think that I'm a pretty darn cool person (except for when I say 'darn cool') so I'm gonna accept it and live with it and cherish it. Afterall, it proves I have feelings and emotions, right? I guess that ain't too shabby.