I'm in one of those odd and contimplative moods. So many random thoughts, yet focused. Simple thoughts, yet profound. Deep and meaningful thoughts, yet trivial. So who knows what will become of this entry.
I fear that I am on an endless cycle of friends. It seems that after I become friendly with someone for awhile, I suddenly get bothered by them and annoyed by them. Which is followed with my pulling away from them and moving on to new people. I still am their friend, we just don't hold the same connection we once did. Why is this happening. Lately, some of my friends are just driving me completely bonkers. Will I ever find a friends or a group of friends who I can open up to and be friends with forever? Or have I already? Are these little bumps in the road normal? Or am I just an overly sensitive and picky person?
When it comes to the relationship area, I know for a fact that I am too picky. I mean, come on here! I live in New York City which has zillions of people in it, and I haven't had a relationship yet. I've made out with a few people and kissed a few others, but most of those were only because we were playing spin the bottle or something like that. I sometimes feel as if I should lower my standards in order to have a relationship. But if I do that, I won't really be happy with the person, right? Or will I? I would know I don't honestly love them, and that I was only in it for the mere sake of being in a relationship. And that isn't fair for me or the other person involved. And I sometimes think I keep my standards way too high so that nobody can meet them just in case, by some off twist of fate, the person I really like would really like me back. But we all know that will never happen.
My friends say it's good that I am so picky. They say I deserve the best. But this is so easy for them to say...they already are in relationships. They have what I want.
I often feel as if I am losing ground with each passing day that goes by without my being involved with someone. When it comes to relationships, I know nothing. I don't know how to share my life with someone else. I don't know how to be romantic. And let's face it, I don't know how to sexually be with someone. I don't know what to do to them, what they are to do to me. I'm clueless. And I know that at my age, I should know these things. All of my friends do. I know a lot of people out there are not going to be patient with me either. They are going to expect me to know what to do and not want to take the time to be my teacher when it comes to things like that. I'm never going to find someone who will understand this about me. I am destined to live alone forever.
Weird things go on here. Lately, people who didn't like me all that much when we first got here have started spending a lot of time with me. Eating with me, gossiping with me, seeing movies with me. Is it because they actually like me now, or do they have some alterior motive? I've been hurt by them in the past before. Is this just history repeating itself?
And another thing that bothers me has been happening lately. I really don't know how to describe it, but it's kinda like when someone tries to be you. Not just like you, but they take on your characteristics, and your little quirky sayings. And they suddenly like the same things you like. And do the same things you do. And use the people you know as ways of getting to people they want to know. And they use your friendships with people in order to give themselves some form of status they feel it gives them. They feel as if they are someone's best friend just because you are, and this gives them the right to step into your friendship with this person when you really have no desire for them to be there...nor do they have any right to be there. It's been happening lately and it is really bothering me.
Also, when someone tells lies involving you so people will think better of them. They want people who may not have had much respect for them in the first place to think they are some sort of rebel...or daredevil...or stud...or whatever, so they tell them lies. That's their business, but it becomes my business (and slander, i might add) once they start adding me into those lies. And yes, it is illegal. And yes, if it goes further than it already has and if it really starts to affect my reputation and I feel threatened, I will have to press charges.
Anyway, I don't want this to turn into a big pity party or bitch fest, so I'm moving on for now.
I bought a book today. This is quite a shocking thing considering I am not a reader. The last time I read a book was in high school...and it was only because it was assigned. The last time I read a book for pleasure was...um...I can't even remember the last time I read a book for pleasure. I used to be a bookworm in grade school. You couldn't pry them out of my hands. I remember I would get ready for school extra fast in the mornings so I could have time to read before I had to leave. I would sit on the couch in the den reading The Boxcar Children, my fave books when I was young. Slowly though, over several years, my reading slowed down. All of my friends were reading these incredibly thick books and I was reading books that were thin. They were reading more mature books. I was reading more juvenile ones. They were reading more books in less time. I was reading less books in more time. Until finally, I just stopped. I always wanted to get started back into reading, but never did. I was jealous of all my friends who were reading so many great and wonderful stories. When I would read something for school, I would enjoy it. My only qualms would be that I never had time to actually sit down and enjoy reading, and that I read slowly. I wish I could read faster than I do. I just am not a very speedy reader. I always get distracted when I am reading and my mind wanders and it slows me down incredibally. And that same problem also causes me to miss a lot of things I read, thus making it so I either miss it entirely, or have to go back and re-read it, which slows me down even more.
But anyway. I did buy a book today. I bought the first Harry Potter book. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's a child's book. Yes, technically it is. But I have seen and talked to so many adults who have read them as well, so I feel it is perfectly ok for me to read them. I've already read the first chapter and am enjoying the book. From what I've read thus far, it somewhat reminds me of The Chronicals of Narnia. The Narnia books are probably my favorite books I have ever read. So, now that this one reminds me of those, I am hoping this turns out to be a book (and a series) I will also enjoy reading. And maybe they will even get me back into the whole reading thing.
I'm going to a party tomorrow night. It is semi-formal, which means that it is a suit and tie event. I am very excited. This is my first party since getting here. I am not counting the drinking parties and such that happen every weekend in this. This is my first real party. I get to bring a date too. My first choice for date couldn't attend due to prior engagements, but I am kinda glad, because it would've been kinda awkward. I am taking Bre as my date. We should have a grand time.
I am still vowing I will be at this year's Tony Awards. I will make sure it happens somehow. This is something I do not want to miss.
A classmate from back home is now engaged. I can't help but think that it isn't going to work out. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her that she has found someone she cares for and all, but I think she is a little young to be making a commitment like this. Afterall, she's only known this guy for about a month. And has only physically been in his presence for a week. I just don't think that's enough time to know for sure if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. They supposedly aren't going to get married til she finishes college, which is three years away at least. So that does leave some time to change plans if she so decides. But still. Wow. I guess if this is something she really wants, more power to her. I wish her luck. I know I couldn't ever do it.
After I finish typing this up, I am going to go and remove the whole RENT section from this site. I am not deleting everything, just not linking it to anything. I may decide to get rid of it altogether sometime in the future, but for now, I am just going to unlink it all. If you find you really can't live without seeing it, email me I will give you the link to it, but really, let's just pretend it's all gone.
I work tonight, and I want to get some more reading done before I have to go into work, so I am gonna go for now.